There’s a certain attitude most people take when going to see a “slasher” movie.  Expectations are low, you’re hoping for some creepy moments, creative kills, a mildly coherent plot line, and in some very rare instances- a hint of social commentary.  It was with this mindset that I sat down in a crowded theater last night to watch Marcus Nispel’s “reimagining” of Friday the 13th.  If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know that I’m not terribly keen on horror remakes but I had to check this out anyway.  I almost feel obligated after having seen every other film in the series.  So how was it?  Well, pretty much what you’d expect.  But hey, it’s easily 100 times better than Rob Zombie’s Halloween butchery.

The film opens by promptly summarizing the original Friday the 13th and and Friday the 13th Part 2 in, say, 45 seconds.  We see quick cut scenes of Mrs. Vorhees (played here by Nana Visitor) hunting down the final camp counselor responsible for “letting Jason drown”.  As in the 1980 version of the movie, the final girl gets the best of Mrs. Vorhees, decapitating her with a machete.  Shortly after her death, we see a young Jason retrieve his mother’s head and locket, and walk away.  So, wait- he didn’t drown?  Or did he?  In this one he just watches his mother get decapitated?   Why didn’t he help (seeing as he’s such a momma’s boy)?  There are so many continuity questions that arise if you attempt to incorporate the original film’s mythos into this one, so don’t bother.  The filmmakers decide to remind us of the original plotline but quickly urge us to forget it so we can get on to some Jason killing sprees.  My head hurts right now trying to explain this.  But for the sake of this review, let’s put the continuity issues aside and just focus on the rest of the movie.

Twenty years later, we meet a group of college kids who are searching for a crop of marijuana supposedly planted near the ruins of Jason’s old stomping ground- Camp Crystal Lake.  All forms of horror movie cliche characters are accounted for here- the in love couple, the slutty girl with plastic-looking breasts, a horny douchebag frat guy and a nerd with a GPS device.  After a day of hiking, the group decides to camp for the night and continue their search in the morning.  *Cue obligatory stupidity, booze, sex, and drugs*.  When Whitney (Amanda Righetti) and her boyfriend take a walk to explore a little, they stumble upon the abandoned campground, Mrs. Vorhees’ rotted skull, and the locket that Jason collected at the beginning of the film.  It is noted that Whitney resembles Mrs. Vorhees (PLOT POINT ALERT).  Before long, Jason shows up wearing a burlap sack on his face (as in Part 2), and the blood begins to flow.  There are some particularly grisly shots of hands and legs being punctured by Jason’s machete.  Meanwhile, back at the camp site, typical debauchery ensues as the kids get drunk.  Plastic chest girl and jock man proceed to have sex in a tent while the geek is told to take a walk and leave them alone.  Yeah, you can see where this is going.  The geek stumbles upon the marijuana crop but just as he’s about to celebrate, Jason shows up and slices off half of his head.  He then wraps plastic girl in a tent and roasts her over the fire while her boyfriend is snared in a bear trap and sliced in the face.

I will say that I was entertained by this entire opening sequence (you don’t even see the title of the movie until 20 minutes in).  This Jason is fast, brutal, and fun to watch for sure.  It’s clear that he’s not a zombie in this film, as well.  In the later Friday films, Jason becomes some kind of invincible super zombie with purple skin and a deformed face.  In this one, he looks more like that guy from The Goonies, only way more violent.

Hey you guyyyyyys!

This Jason is decidedly human, as he sets traps and somehow manages to construct a series of underground mines complete with lighting and storage.  Yes, that’s right.  Apparently, in between murdering teenagers, Jason found the time to get a degree in electrical engineering and construction.  You have to admire his ambition.  So, there are mines under Camp Crystal Lake now.  This is never explained, but why would it be?

Mom would be so proud

When all is said and done, Jason dispatches the entire crew save for Whitney whose fate is unknown.  Six months later, another group of even douchier and more attractive college kids are heading up to Crystal Lake to spend a weekend at the lake house of King Douche (AKA, Trent), played here by Travis Van Winkle.  The writers did such an over-the-top job making this guy unlikable that it almost comes off as a pardody of horror characters.  Unfortunately, they weren’t that clever- it was just an accident.

Also in the area is Clay, Whitney’s brother who has been searching for her since she disappeared.  A bit later in the film, we find out that Jason has been keeping Whitney hostage in his underground lair because she resembles his mother (remember that plot point, kids?).  Apparently he’s been feeding her because she isn’t withering away and appears to be in pretty good health despite being chained to a wall in a subterranean dungeon.  So yes, he can cook as well.  Oh yeah, and he’s taken up archery.  I never knew what a Renaissance man Jason really is.  I’ll spare you another poorly done Photoshop job here.

The teens hit up the lake house, the girls show their breasts, the guys play drinking games and smoke weed, Jason shows up and kills everyone except Whitney and Clay.  Jason is ultimately laid to rest by a woodchipper that grinds away the back of his head.  The two survivors for some reason decide to haul Jason’s massively heavy dead body down to the lake and dump it.  A moment of silence ensues and then (wait for it……) Jason jumps out of the lake.  The end.

Overall, the movie isn’t terrible but it isn’t scary either.  There are plenty of jolt scares but the movie lacks any real suspense. I can’t remember a single note of the musical score and that’s never a good thing.  Most of the kills are predictable and cliche with the exception of the boat dock one- that was cool.  There was only one shot that I thought was well constructed and creepy:

The acting isn’t worthy of praise or scorn with the exception of a few ridiculous lines of dialogue that would just never happen in real life.  Seriously, when someone hears a noise upstairs, do they actually say out loud “Now, what was that?”?  I talk to myself sometimes, but that’s just ridiculous.

Though set in New Jersey, the film’s “locals” sure seem to have southern accents, few teeth, and look like they haven’t bathed in about seven weeks.  Not that we don’t have hicks here- but the ones in this movie are right out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake.  Literally.  Nispel directed that piece of brilliance as well and placed the same actors in this one. Sigh…

This movie isn’t much of a “reimagining” and it isn’t much of a remake either.  It’s kind of in between.  In the end, it comes off as what the directors tried not to make- “just another sequel”.