Vote No Room In Hell For Mr. Horror Blogosphere
Chuck, over at Zombies DON’T Run was nice enough to include me in his Mr. Horror Blogosphere contest and post a questionnaire filled out by yours truly. The contest was inspired by B-Sol’s Ms. Horror Blogosphere contest, which was a great showcase of all the excellent female horror bloggers out there. It also drew some stupid controversy because people are dumb. I’d like to think that this one will be drama-free. I’m not sure when voting begins or anything, but I’ll keep you posted. Be sure to check out his blog and all of the other great contestants’ profiles. Here’s mine:

Pensive? Oh, I was going for thoughtful.
In one paragraph, please describe yourself
I’m a sarcastic 26-year-old guy with a degree in journalism and a passion for horror movies who spends his days as a tireless project manager and digital strategist while trying to keep focused on this blog he writes. I’ve had a lifelong fascination with horror and I try to catch as many films as possible. You can find me at my desk in New York City, at home in New Jersey, sometimes in Florida, and often sipping whiskey at any one of my favorite local haunts.
What are some of your favorite horror films?
Hands down, my favorite horror film of all time is Halloween (1978 version of course – anyone who cites Rob Zombie’s version as their favorite film should promptly lose their ability to communicate with the rest of society) because of its brilliant atmosphere, terrifying score, and art direction. Also love Suspiria, The Exorcist, Let The Right One In, The Descent, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Shaun of the Dead, The Shining, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Ginger Snaps 1&2, The Beyond, A Nightmare on Elm Street and I have a real soft spot for Sleepaway Camp.
What are some of your least favorite horror films?
House of 1,000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects, Halloween (2007), Halloween II (2009), Seed, Exorcist 2 was pretty rough, most modern remakes.
Blogging can be fun as well as drama filled, so why do you keep doing it?
I started this blog as a way for me to keep writing about things that interest me and keep the creative juices flowing. I haven’t run into too much drama thus far, besides being called out by a director for giving his film a shitty review (that was pretty awesome). Blogging shouldn’t involve drama and those that start it are taking themselves too seriously. I understand that some people are obsessed with massive readership and huge Twitter followings but I’m just in this to write about what I feel like. I’m glad that I’ve gained some readers and it feels good to be appreciated for the work I’ve done but I’m not going to let any of this keep me up at night. In adding my friend Chris as a co-writer, this blog is a way for us to collaborate and celebrate/unabashedly criticize the genre.

Me And Tobe Hooper
Who’s your favorite female lead in horror and why?
I don’t know that I have a definitive favorite but obviously Jamie Lee Curtis gave a genre defining performance in Halloween, setting the standard for strong female characters to come. I also think Linda Blair was excellent in The Exorcist, giving a performance well beyond her age at the time. Unfortunately, she wasn’t as good in the sequel or any other roles that come to mind. Recently, I’d say that Shauna Macdonald was excellent in The Descent. Obvious omission here is Adrienne Barbeau but I just get annoyed every time I think of her because of her character in Creepshow.
What do you look for in a woman? Is liking horror movies required?
Beyond superficial attractiveness (which is of course important) I look for someone who shares my sarcastic and somewhat twisted sense of humor, can tolerate my many quirks and personality flaws, and shares my interests. Liking horror movies is a definite plus. They don’t have to be as enthusiastic as I am but I need someone who doesn’t scoff at the idea of seeing a midnight showing of A Nightmare on Elm Street. I’m fortunate enough to have found this in my girlfriend of 6 years, Tiffany. Isn’t that just adorable?
Who is your biggest inspiration?
I draw inspiration from any number of sources and people but I can’t say there’s one person that I define as my “biggest” inspiration. In general, I think a few of my writing professors greatly influenced how I approach a topic or look at it strategically before putting words down. Beyond that, other bloggers are a constant source of inspiration and I feed off of that.

This is ridiculous
No Room In Hell is a mishmash of thoughts about the horror genre from two lifelong fans. We try to avoid only doing reviews, occasionally focusing on some more in-depth feature pieces or even video segments. We write when we’re inspired to, not because we feel obligated to hit a post quota per week. So, sometimes you’ll see 5 posts a week and others you’ll get 1. I’m thrilled any time I get a legit comment mixed in among the dozens of daily spam ones, though those are fun too. My most recent favorite?
“a fly with no wings would be called a bug…and you cant call panties pants LOL and for you poop guy go slit your own own throat!”
I don’t know what to make of it. Wingless insects, panties, poop, and death threats. Think you can beat it? Stop on by.
The Crazies Remake: More Boom For Your Buck.
The basic rundown is a simple recipe for a horror movie, drop a biological weapon that is designed to “disable a population” by infecting them with a disease that causes general confusion and homicidal tendencies into a small town’s water supply and wait. Potential for creepiness is definitely there as fans of the original will remember the granny in the rocking chair with the knitting needles, but for this run they decided to go action flick. Well mostly…
Some remnants of a horror film remain. We get zombie faces on the infected, a high body count, some false alarm scares, and few grizzly kills. One of the more notable scenes involves a mortician that sews his security guard’s eyes and mouth shut despite the fact that he’s still alive, but the dust never settles long enough for the movie to ever really become that creepy. Every scene features something blowing up or bursting into a fireball while faceless government agents fumble around like the Keystone Cops during their bad attempts at quarantine.
In a strange way, the film took on a feel synonymous with the Golden Age of TV – the Western. Why not? After all the main characters are a sheriff, David Dutton, and his loyal deputy, Russel Clank; and, in the tradition of Bonanza or Gun Smoke, Dutton and Clank keep showing up in the nick of time when every anyone is in trouble. The convention gets uncanny. Dutton is about to be castrated by a runaway bonesaw and Clank shows up to step on the cord with just inches to spare. A girl is tied to table with a Crazy ready to stab a pitch fork into her as the duo rides in to the rescue.
The SAME girl is later tied to chair while a Crazy has a gun on Dutton, but Clank’s does a nifty hard shot through the window with the Winchester to take him down. I’m surprised the Crazy didn’t toss himself out the window and fall to the grounding screaming and doing the flying chicken as a tumble weed rolls by. If a Crazy in a black hat with a long handlebar mustacheo tied the girl to railroad tracks then I was going to leave.
Sarcasm and old action sequence conventions aside, the remake succeeds in cutting down Romero’s lengthy commentary on incompetent military intelligence to managable chunks and mantains an acceptable portion of the original’s creepy feel. At the end of the day, The Crazies 2010 was an enjoyable up-tempo re-imagine of its 70’s counter part, but don’t go into this one expecting a pure zombie film, as the trailer attempts to market it, because the movie never settles into that genre either. However, it’s a decent watch or at very least doesn’t leave you with a blinding rage over the fact that they remade it.
New NOES Trailer And My Deflating Excitement
Posted by Matt in Horror, New Releases, Remakes, Trailers on February 25th, 2010
Oh, Platinum Dunes. Oh, how I want to like your films but always end up disappointed. Damn you for having talented production guys working on your movie trailers in order to deceive us horror fans. I think I’m on to you this time.
As you can guess, I just caught the full Nightmare on Elm Street trailer this evening. I’m not sure if it’s already been out for a while but I’ve been preoccupied lately. Several months back, I posted about being excited by the teaser trailer as it appeared Platinum Dunes/Jackie Earle Haley were bringing Freddy back to his dark roots. I think I’m less excited now and that makes me sad.
Much like their Friday the 13th trailer, this one tries its hardest to suck you in with nostalgia. Where the former has quick cuts of teenage sexuality and machetes, this one has us revisit Freddy’s most famous accolades – claw in bathtub, scraping against steam pipes, and stalking through a rubbery wall. But move beyond that and this looks like a run-of-the-mill horror movie to me, albeit with legendary characters.
I think Haley is a fantastic actor and he’s been consistently good in everything I’ve seen him in. Recently, he was one of the bright spots in Shutter Island and I think Platinum Dunes made a good choice casting him. Still, I’m not a fan of what I see in this trailer. “Oh, God,” one clearly-not-a-teenager says. “No. Just me,” a gravelly voiced Freddy retorts. Really? That’s the line you want to showcase? Another one: “Why are you screaming? I haven’t even cut you yet.” Looks like another case of shitty writing to me.
On top of that issue, a few things jump out at me. Why does Freddy look like a Harry Potter dementor during the iconic “rubber wall” scene? There’s a shot of a female clearly-not-a-teenager wearing Freddy’s glove and an evil smile. Are we in store for a cliche sequence where one of our protagonists unexpectedly turns evil? Hey, at least with this one, it can be written off as a dream but it’s just so expected.

Freddy's side gig?
I want to like this film. If you asked me yesterday, I might have even said that I’m excited for it. Now? Fearful (in the bad way) and suspicious. Take a peek for yourself.
Return to Rapture: Bioshock 2 Review
Posted by Chris in Reviews, Video Games on February 21st, 2010
Remember a few years back when that crab went on and on about how life was better under the sea? Of course, the grouch I’m talking about is Andrew Ryan, the developer of Rapture, an underwater setting of genetic drug addicts and insane science. With Bioshock 2 on shelves this month, gamers are invited to return to the city of sunken dreams where the individuals freedom is prized above all.
Bioshock 2 starts off with a bang as your protagonist , a special Big Daddy model named Delta, shoots himself in the head after being coerced by Rapture’s newest zealot leader, Sophia Lamb. After you wake up—somehow—ten years later, you learn that after Ryan’s death Lamb has united rapture under her rule and this concept of ‘family’ that she waves around as a means of psychology control. As you move through the game you discover that Lamb’s vision for utopia is intimately centered around turning her daughter, Eleanor, into the perfect human. Eleanor also happened to be your character’s ‘Little Sister’ until the bond was tore apart by the forced suicide attempt.
While story is intriguing it is hard pressed to compete with the initial mysteries of Rapture that the original game dealt with, but the developers did a good job of not trying to write the same type of narrative arch. Instead, the fan will be treated to some blanks filled-in from the last game and the newcomer will get a decent stand alone storyline that won’t even spoiler too many twists of the original.
Storytelling does remain the focus of Bioshock as every room is littered with remains and clues about a dream turned nightmare. Prostitutes with “Eve” needles sticking out their arms lay dead in their bed. Victims of science experiments remain bound to chairs and gurneys. Even subtler imagery like propaganda posters and graffiti tells the tale of Lamb’s rise to power while expositions from old tape recorders and radio communications with the few people that are neither dead or insane provide the missing pieces.
Gameplay itself, matches the original’s quality without question and also adds some more strategic elements. For example, hacking is now done in real time. At first glance, the simple reaction test format may seemed dumbed down after Bioshock’s pipe mini-game, but as the game goes on you realize that hacking is now a part of battle. One of your weapons is a gun that shoots hacking tools and you may have to reprogram an enemy turret to defend as it unloads at you and while ducking a Splicer’s wrench.
New Plasmids are also designed in a more strategic fashion giving you the ability to summon flying robots to your side, hypnotize enemies into fighting with you, and even sending a ghost of yourself ahead as a scout.
Why all this strategy? Because harvesting is now a part of the game. After defeating another Big Daddy and adopting his Little Sister, you can search out bodies for the little Sis to drain of Adam, which seems simple enough until you put the girl on the ground and hordes of Splicers start showing up. The goal is to use Rapture’s security, your enemies; and your arsenal of traps, firearms, and offensive plasmids: to snare, blast, burn, and beat back the enemy away from the Little Sister in whatever way possible. If you can accomplish this for a set time limit without being killed or the Little Sister being interrupting from her blood sucking duties then you’ll reap the benefits of her Atom collecting.
Accomplish a few harvesting runs and you’ll should a have a nice bank roll of Adam to purchase plenty of upgrades. However, keep in mind that you’re always being watched by Rapture’s newest nightmare, The Big Sister. Big Sisters are like Big Daddy’s but twice as fast and strong. They’ll toss fire like a volcano until they get bored then they’ll switch to using Telekinesis to heave rocks or corpses, and if you can’t keep them away from you they’ll lift you off the ground and drill the blood from your vein restoring their own life bars in the process. By the way, fighting them is difficult.
While the challenges, fire-power, and strategic element have upped the ante quite a bit, the freedom in the game has really only seen minor tweaking. The developers clearly wanted to move away from the Harvest/Rescue, Bad/Good binary; and as a result, Bioshock 2 does have three additional story based decisions to make, which do offer some freedom to how the story evolves, but ultimately your bound into a track that can only take you one of three places: Good/Bad/Neutral.
Still, it’s hard to criticize this game. If a Big Daddy put its drill to my head and told to come up with critiques I would say the underwater segments are lame and unnecessary serving only the purposes of showing off cool graphics and doing a little Easter egg hunting. Also, unnecessary and lame is the multi-player that has the same gimmicky capture the flag-esque games that Quake was doing ten years ago. Bioshock has no need for a mutli-player, but it had to have one as selling point, which is just the state of things these days.
Other than that, quality has not slipped an inch on the Bioshock front. Every aspect is as pleasing as the original and the developers didn’t drown Rapture with attempts at innovations, which is too often the case these days with sequels.
The final word is that the Bioshock franchise is still one of the most original concepts in the industry today. Even though the story may not be as intriguing as its predecessor, the writing didn’t take unnecessary risks trying to top it. Recognizing that the mystery of Rapture and Ryan is already public knowledge, the writers wield another kind of intriguing web that will still have gamers wondering who to trust and rushing through the game to find out if they made the right choice. However, Bioshock 2 does have a host of fun and interesting turns, and it is a MUST play for anyone that likes a little bit of intelligence and thought provoking story elements with their first person shooter.
Shutter Island – Unsurprisingly Unshocking
Shutter Island – Martin Scorsese’s latest blockbuster, or as I like to think of it, the latest entry in a line of films that fail to surprise audiences with their formulaic turn-the-world-on-its-head twist endings. If you’ve seen the trailers for Shutter Island, then you shouldn’t expect anything less. They practically spoon feed you the fact that things are “not what they seem” and the entire time you’re watching the film, you’re just waiting for the big reveal. And said reveal is nothing more intricate than the likes of What Lies Beneath or Secret Window. We’ve seen it before a dozen times with different characters and slightly different circumstances but it has become a tired cliche, one that even fabled directors aren’t avoiding.
Rant aside, Shutter Island is actually a pretty good film. It’s loaded with eerie atmosphere, dark imagery, and features strong performances from all of its principal cast. The story picks up in 1954 when seasoned US Marshal Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio) and his new partner Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo) are dispatched to investigate the disappearance of a mental patient at Ashecliffe Hospital, a facility for the criminally insane located on an island in Boston Harbor. The patient, Rachel Solondo, drowned her three children in a lake behind her home, went insane and refuses to believe she has been committed at Shutter Island. The night before Daniels’s arrival, Solondo vanished from her secure cell and hospital staff are baffled.
But, YOU GUESSED IT, things just aren’t as they seem. Right from the get-go the island’s officers and hospital staff seem a bit off. Daniels and Aule are required to surrender their firearms before entering the grounds and despite heated interrogation, none of the patients, doctors, orderlies or nurses want to offer any useful information. Before long, it becomes apparent that Daniels is on the trail of a conspiracy with violent and perhaps unethical intentions. I’m being purposely vague here as to not spoil the big ending.
Throughout the film, Daniels’s back story is gradually revealed through a series of beautifully constructed dream sequences. We see him take part in the murder of Nazi guards at a death camp and subsequently become an alcoholic after he returns from the war and we learn that his wife was killed in a fire started by pyromaniac Andrew Laeddis who he believes is also on Shutter Island. As these dreams and hallucinations become more vivid and the hospital staff grow increasingly deceptive, the film’s central question is if Daniels is going to fall victim to the conspiracy or if he’ll expose it.

Visually, the film is consistently striking. When Daniels and Aule arrive, a massive storm rolls in, enveloping the island in hurricane-force winds and pounding rain. As the duo investigate, the the rain reinforces the inherent claustrophobia – there’s really no way off of this island. Surrealistically shot with vivid colors and deep contrast, Scorsese’s dream sequences and flashbacks are Shutter Island’s strongest moments. One sequence is set to opera, with reams of paper flutter in the air while a bleeding Nazi lies dying on the floor as Daniels’s troop scours the death camp office. Another dream finds Daniels walking through the death camp in pristine snow peppered by decomposed bodies. When he turns to look at the body of a young girl, her eyes open and she asks why he didn’t save her. Through strong style, Scorsese is telling you to pay attention to these scenes as they are central to the “big reveal”.
Even if Shutter Island feels like a 138-minute ride to an inevitable twist, at least it’s an entertaining one. Borrowing plenty of horror film elements (with a few clear nods to The Shining), this film is continuously suspenseful and at times frightening. Daniels’s trip to Ward C, where the most dangerous criminals are kept, even features a terriffic cameo by our soon-to-be Freddy Kruger, Jackie Earle Haley. Scorcese avoides most of the obvious horror cliches (though there is at least one good jump scare) and maintains his claustrophobia and paranoia through atmosphere.
Shutter Island was a fun watch. I just wish the shocking ending was that there really wasn’t a shocking ending. Now that would have been shocking.
INK: Creepy Dark Sci-fi Fairy Tale On A Budget.
Posted by Chris in Hidden Gems, Reviews on February 17th, 2010
After watching The Wolfman, another Hollywood remake that flexed its CGI muscles but couldn’t lift a story line to save its life, I decided to check out an indie title for my next film viewing and stumbled upon Ink (2009). Ink is like a fairy tale, mixed with an Episode of Dr. Who, Waking Life, and The Matrix, and somehow it works. While it may sounds corny, people with open minds need to watch this one to experience its refreshingly good story telling within the confines of a non-traditional narrative.
Ink hits the screen with a man driving down the road screaming “fuck” three times who then gets waffled by a truck running a red light; the importance of that event is withheld until later, for brilliant reasons. Shortly after, we cut to a dark street where flashes of light bring forth lone figures walking down the pavement and climbing into people’s windows. The 411 is that when night comes two separate factions of creatures, Storytellers and Incubi, descend on the world of men. Storytellers—rag-tag warriors (appearance like the outcasts from the old 90’s Beauty and the Beast show with Ron Pearlman) are given the task of inspiring mankind by using their energy to create pleasant dreams, but the Incubi seek to suck energy by giving humans nightmares. Sadly, the quaint FX as the creatures teleport into our reality will probably have most closed minded film watchers looking for something else to watch.
If you stuck around,the story picks up as a girl named Emma (Quinn Hunchar) is kidnapped by an Incubus initiate named “Ink.” A party of four Storytellers set out to rescue her, but the only person that can find her is a blind tracker, called a pathfinder, whose onscreen antics such as greeting the dirt every time he falls make him the film’s most interesting character. While most of the other characters are not as memorable they all have an individual quirky presence that transcends cliche at every turn.
As The Storytellers chase the Incubi through different dimensions, the story returns to the accident victim, John, that turns out to be Emma’s estranged father. The sad tale of how doubt and fear ruined his life adds a human aspect to the plot that seeps through the fantastic settings in tear drop sized scenes, peeks and glances into John’s life. The varied narrative gives a personal perspective on how easily people can forget what is important and fall prey to the Incubi that are apparently always accepting applications for supernatural employment.
While Ink has been panned by some critics for having a cliched Wizard of Oz feel and a disjointed plot, I think the banter resulted from people that want spoonfed cinema, which is why we have many films like The Wolfman remake in the first place. For anyone that needs a little artistic dark fantasy with creepy villains wearing black and white TV images strapped to their faces there’s Ink. Check it out if you need a diet from the mind numbing refried beans of Hollywood cinema.
The Wolfman Remake…Just Why?
Maybe the moon was full when some Hollywood lunatic decided to remake The Wolfman (1941), but not much thought was put into the project after that. How can anything with Anthony Hopkins and a budget to CGI enough blood splatter to fill a swimming pool go wrong? Well frankly, it goes like this.
The characters (with one exception) are boring and brutish, the trappings of their drab atmosphere just permeated too deeply, and we end up with flat performances. Oscar winning Sir Anthony Hopkins plays Sir John Talbot whose son Lawrence Talbot (Benicio Del Toro) returns home after learning that his brother has been missing. Hopkins mostly mopes around like an aging bad ass while yawning out creepy one-liners and ends up looking like a mix of his characters from Legends of the Fall and Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Del Toro suffers from a similar bland personality of an emo kid whose favorite goth band has just canceled their concert a night before the show. I can’t imagine director Joe Johnston could be to blame for this awkward tone with a resume featuring, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, The Rocketeer, The Pagemaster, Jumanji, and Jurassic Park III. How could you go wrong?
The plot tries to hinge itself on Lawrence’s troubled past where he witnessed his mother’s suicide and now must return to the site of his mother’s death to discover why his brother has also met a grizzly end. Long-story-short, Lawrence realizes his memories are false and his mother was also killed by an obvious plot twist that reveals the true identity of the beast, but not before Lawrence tangles with the werewolf and also contracts the curse.
Curses and uninspired writing aside, the movies is visually fun, and I think that is all the filmmaker set out to accomplish here since the movie makes no attempts to be original, to create compelling characters, a compelling atmosphere, or an interesting story line. Instead, the audience is given a laser light show of dismembered limbs, decapitations, disembowelments, and a climatic werewolf on werewolf battle ala Underworld. It’s fun to watch, but it sure as shit ain’t Shakespeare.
The saving grace is Hugo Weaving who portrays an aloof Scotland Yard inspector named Abberline whose presence on the screen is missed the second he leaves it. Weaving unleashes his usual smug delivery of mundane lines, just dragging out syllables, in ways only he can and brings the Abberline character to life in another wise lifeless cast of dull characters. If you need further proof then check out how epic he looks fighting the werewolf below…

Maybe not, but Weaving performance is still the only reason to see this film, unless you’re a die hard werewolf fan that wants to see a lot of cool CGI slayings. Don’t show up looking for substance, because it just isn’t here.
Somewhere in the distance I think I hear Lon Chaney Jr. howling at the moon…mournfully.
Romero Goes Remake Crazy
Well, we all knew that every chapter of the holy zombie trinity would be remade one day, but a remake of The Crazies (1973) seemed like something that would float around the internet like rumors of Romero directing Resident Evil and never happen, but here we are two weeks away from The Crazies 2010 premiere. For the past twelve years, whenever anyone asked me what The Crazies was about I was always quick to say, “its one of Romero’s zombies movies without zombies.” The post apocalyptic environment and snarky commentary about government was still present, but there just didn’t happen to be any walking corpses around. Still, it created that same world-apart-at-the-seams atmosphere and watching it you expected a zombie to lumber from the tree line at any moment. Now-a-days, with an expanded definition of zombie horror; I would argue, from what I’ve seen of the trailers, that Mr. Executive Producer Romero has merely added the zombies to market it into a zombie happy film industry (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
However all this talk about trailers and remakes had me thinking about the old one, and how I remember it being kinda hokey… Well, see for yourself.
Man, have trailers come a long way in thirty-seven years. Guess subtlety wasn’t big in the 70s…I digress, here’s the new one…
Zombie horror or not, as a devoted Romero follower, I’ll be in the theater opening night.
Darkside Chronicles: Another Reason Resident Evil Needs To Turn A Corner
Posted by Chris in Reviews, Video Games on February 10th, 2010
Remember turning that first corner in Resident Evil to find one of your comrades from Bravo Team with his face being gnawed off by Resident Evil’s first zombie? Can you believe that was fourteen years, seven main series games, seven side-story games, four movies, and one remake ago? Newly released Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles, number seven on the side story game list, was the latest installment that fans (waiting for a hopefully re-tooled part 6) got to chew on.
Most fans will probably do well to rent this one so they can spit it back at the video store or GameFly when they’re done with it, which is not to say the game is unplayable but rather just plagued by the bad RE cliches, terrible dialogue, and little replay value. The game follows Leon Kennedy and Jack Krauser into South America where they try to track down overused RE motifs and successfully discover someone who infected their daughter with whichever strain of the T-Virus we’re up to now.
Aside from the plot, which is so typical for the series it’s not even worth talking about, the gameplay is similar to Umbrella Chronicles’ rail shooter style, but clearly made efforts to undo every element that was frustrating in “UC.” I was happy to see I could play the entire storyline without having to unlock pieces of it with high scores, and being able to carry an inventory of herbs and my entire armory seemed appealing at first, but, as the game went on, having access to enough explosive to level Brazil rather than having to choose which weapons to bring on the mission seemed to dumb down gameplay. However, if you enjoy the RE atmospheres and mythos then Darkside w
as brainless head popping fun.
I can’t say Darkside wasn’t enjoyable, but it was a cheap tease in the grand scheme of the series. Darkside, like Umbrella Chronicles, operates on replaying scenes from the main series in rail-shooter format. The bothersome part is the game is actually narrated by Leon as he fills in Krauser on some of his previous experiences with the virus, which makes the gameplay a flashback. In that case, how the hell can you die in flashback if you’ve lived to tell the tale? “Great Scott! It could cause a paradox, Marty!”
At the end of the day, Resident Evil The Darkside Chronicles is good mindless fun, and if anyone cares about Jack Krausers backstory then it has that too, but the franchise is still lacking and has delivered minimal scares since that first zombie got done chewing years ago. The games in recent years have fallen short without undead creatures jumping out from every corner, REAL walking copses, and creepy atmospheres. I guess we can hope they get it right in Resident Evil 6 and also give the fans a usually-somehow resurrected Albert Wesker complete with his brilliant dialogue.
“What’s this…A Mansion?”
The obvious never escapes you, which is why we love you or maybe its those cool shades.
Bloody Birthday – Curtis Is Such An Asshole
Posted by Matt in Creepy Kids, Reviews, Trash on February 9th, 2010
Every once in a while, I’ll receive a movie from Netflix that I don’t remember adding to my queue like this week’s Bloody Birthday (1981). Perhaps I took some shoddy advice from a Bloody-Disgusting forum member. Maybe I took to my keyboard in a drunken stupor some months ago. Whatever happened, I decided to go into this one cold without even reading the movie description on the sleeve. From the disc art, it looked like it could be a cheesy 80’s slasher, so I was gearing up for some teenage slaughter mayhem. Turns out there is slaughter, but not in the form I expected.
In the film’s prologue (after a long and annoying titles sequence), we learn that three children were born in the town of Meadowvale, California in 1970 during a solar eclipse. Fast forward 10 years later and a series of bizarre murders in Meadowvale kicks off with a teenage couple fooling around in everyone’s favorite cliched horror film make out spot – the local graveyard. The suave male, who happens to look like Scott Baio during his Charles In Charge days, convinces his girl that sex in a freshly dug grave is the next best thing. Predictably, someone attacks the couple in the grave, killing him with a shovel and strangling her with a rope.
The next day, police question students at the town’s elementary school because the murder weapon is revealed to be a jump rope. Here, we’re introduced to our three eclipse children – Curtis (Billy Jayne), Debbie (Elizabeth Hoy), and Steven (Andy Freeman) who we learn not only share a birthday but also enjoy watching Debbie’s older sister (Julie Brown of Earth Girls Are Easy fame) dance naked through a peephole and oh yeah, murder people. That’s right, explained by some astrological bullshit about Saturn being blocked during their births, these three devils were born without a conscience and love to murder people.

Little Bastards...
Bloody Birthday lays all of its cards out on the table within the first 15 minutes but that isn’t my biggest complaint. By 1981, the “creepy kids” motif had certainly been done before with Children of the Damned and The Omen being the most prominent examples, but it wasn’t yet the cliche that it is today. What does annoy me is that these kids truly do act like 10-year-olds. Meaning, they’re idiots. They need to take some creepiness lessons from Damien – you don’t find him firing revolvers at teachers in a school where he could easily get caught. Plausible deniability, kids. Read up. Of course they don’t get caught and the incompetent local police doesn’t try to determine cause of death beyond “killed by psycho”. Seriously, one guy gets beaten over the head with a baseball bat and his death is attributed to hitting his head after tripping on a skateboard. Another girl gets shot in the eye with a bow and arrow, her body left on the street, annnnnnnd….no indication of cause of death! Must’ve been that damn illusive “psycho” that’s wandering around our little town!
The trio is uncovered by classmate Timmy Russell (K.C. Martel) after a failed attempt to lock him in a refrigerator at the local junkyard. Timmy’s sister Joyce (Lori Lethin) joins the fight after she discovers Curtis trying to poison birthday guests with rat poison. It all leads to an underwhelming conclusion that lacks any suspense (as the rest of the film does).
Also of note is the film’s terrible score which deftly segues from Brady Bunch inspired jingles to Kenny G saxophone-laden sex scenes. If nothing else, it’s funny to laugh at but it really detracts from the “creepy kid” atmosphere that director Ed Hunt is trying to achieve.
Beyond the Swiss cheese plot, Bloody Birthday’s main offense comes in the form of Curtis. Oh, how I hate this little fucker. While Debbie irritates me with her false angel act (”oh, mommy! I didn’t do anything bad, I’m a good little girl”), she doesn’t come close to Curtis. As the dorky bespectacled dweeb of the murderous trio, he’s constantly annoying me with his faux evil smile, ridiculous gun-holding stalking scenes and general douchiness. If this video doesn’t make you hate him, then I probably don’t like you either.
But maybe it’s not all bad. In images, here are Bloody Birthday’s strong points:

Scott Baio

Julie Brown's Nude Scene

"Hot" girls in high-waisted pants

This dog with the freaky eye

These headphones
The Bloody Birthday DVD features a recent interview with the film’s now-elderly producer, Max Rosenberg, who explains how he wanted to make a film showing that evil can come in all forms and show the consequences of having no conscience. I guess he achieved this but (and I feel bad for saying anything negative about the venture of an old man) he really only succeeded in creating a sub-par (sort-of?) slasher. Next time I update my Netflix queue, I should probably lay off the booze.






